On Achieving, On Failing

I felt so vulnerable at the doctor’s office. David and I had always wanted kids. We had hoped that God would just POOF give us a baby.  We knew so many who got pregnant quickly (and some without wanting to). But we really wanted a child.

It had been two years, but, when I spoke to my doctor, she said it was perfectly normal.

Since we’d officially been charting for a month now, my doctor said, “Let’s see if you’re pregnant! It may be early so let’s not get our hopes up but we can check it anyway if you like.”

Wouldn’t that be great?  Achieve that goal in one month of really trying?

I’ve always been an overachiever. Surely if we did everything right, it could be a big chance I was pregnant. So I sat in that way too breezy hospital gown in the doctor’s office awaiting the results.  It was kind of like when I was about to find out if David really liked me or when I was waiting to hear if I got into my dream college or when I was praying to God our first bride we met would hire us.  No.  For whatever the reason, to me, it was like all that combined.

What if I was pregnant? I’d figure out a creative way to tell David. Maybe I’d buy him a “World’s Best Dad” mug or t-shirt (cheesy I know but I was so excited). How would I tell my family? It’d have to be a special way since it’s the 1st grandkid for my parents.

But I really tried not to psych myself out because, it was really early.  Despite what felt like every other couple getting pregnant on their first try, I tried to let reason balance out my over-excitement.

Then, the door opened.

The nurse came in, oblivious to my bewildered state, and started fiddling with some medical equipment and, without looking at me, said, “Your pregnancy test came out negative.”

While I processed what she said and fought not to cry, she gave me a shot in my arm.

It made me think about dreams, about goals, achieving and failing at them.

When David and I started this business in 2009, it was probably the same excitement, fear, anticipation, and the same roller coaster ups and downs of not knowing if we could make it.  We hoped it would be the fast track to success.  We would’ve loved it to be easy.

I’m sure you could relate.

But this desire to dream of something more for your life is not going to end.  There will always be something that can’t be grasped. There will always be moments when you’re nerve-wracked wondering which way your life will turn.  And it always seems to take more work than you thought.

We all have to sit sometimes and just wait for the results.  And, sometimes, maybe even often, it will come out negative.

But life goes on.  The work goes on.

But no matter how it will turn out, we have to stop and remember there’s so much to be thankful to God for: the love He’s given, the life He’s let us live, the family, the friends, the loved ones, the ones who’ve inspired us.  So here’s to the journey, yours and mine, to the next fork in the road.  Here’s to knowing there will be ups and downs, but in the end, we are going where we need to be and we will not be alone.